i am pretty pissed at myself. i need to stop over thinking so many shit. i really can’t wait until school starts again. i really want to make new friends and i DESPERATELY want something new to happen. i hope i can get myself a boyfriend like my friend did. she’s s lucky bitch. i’m so jealous of her…so jealous of the fact that she has what i really want…like freedom and other shit. but it’s okay, i love her so i’m not gonna say anything.

you know what, i don’t want school to start. i am afraid that something bad is going to happen. i feel very invisible at school, but that’s just me. i shouldn’t complain so much because i’m lucky to actually have close friends… but you know how every girl is…she wants a little more attention. the only thing i’m looking forward to next year is art class! after sophomore year, imma be in ART HONORS in junior year! omg, i really can’t wait. uh…what else is there to say…hmm. oh yea, i made a resolution for myself for next year. i vow to be more social and well, i don’t know, just really be myself… if people don’t like who i really am, then they can just fuck off. i really don’t care what people think of me. at least i’m interesting. i rather be weird and myself than follow the fucking crowd. (haha, i have a lot of pride >.>”) other than that, i just really want to get my high school years over and well, improve on art. i can’t wait to leave this place. i hate it here.

i wonder if i can make new friends. really i do. i know i’m not really sociable and there are only a few people that i am myself with. i just really hope that i can meet people with the same interests and such. it’d be really nice to go to jrock concerts together…oh! it’d be even cooler if i could find a cute guy with the same interests -kyaa!- but i know i shouldn’t get too ahead of myself because i know that i’ll just be disappointed in the end…like always. but whatever. i just really hope next year will be a good year.

i am jealous of people around me. i find myself getting jealous of people’s personalities and their looks. i get jealous that they have so much talent and they have so many friends. i get so jealous that i don’t know what to do. then i get really pissed that i’m jealous and being immature. however, i really can’t help it. i feel like i’m not anything…i feel like i’m so ugly and fat and blahh! i want to feel important for once. most of all, i want to feel happy being myself. that’s going to be hard because i don’t have a lot of confidence and i’m really quiet. sometimes my peers don’t talk to me because i’m really quiet in class; there are only some people that i’m really comfortable being myself with. because of that, people think that i’m really “cold” or they think that i think i’m better than them. psh…as if. you don’t know how envious i am of them. grr. i have to much fuckin pride to like, think this way. see. this is another reason why i love art so much. when i’m making art or something, i feel like i’m in another world…a world which i only fuckin exist. art makes me so high.

it’s pretty late at night right now. i can’t sleep, even though i’m kinda tired. it’s strange. if i go to bed, i can’t fall asleep. what was this problem called… uh… insomnia? yea. that’s it.

i’ve discovered that i can’t sleep is because i’m thinking too much; there’s so many thoughts going through my head. it’s as if my train of thoughts only departs during night time (did that make sense?!). furthermore, i think too much about my future, what college, can i get my portfolio done, etc. it’s kinda stupid that i’m thinking about things like this when i’m only a sophomore. normally, junior year is when students start getting ready for college and etc. i started worrying and stressing since the summer before freshmen year. it’s totally killing me. i find myself over come with a LOT of doubt and worry. mostly, i’m worried if i have enough time to make an art portfolio or if i have enough skills and etc. i really hate this. sometimes i feel being more mature than peers my age really affects me, socially. i HARDLY have the same interests as people my age and i think WAY to different than them. that makes me a little lonely sometimes…and i hate being lonely…it totally kills my P-R-I-D-E!

kyaa! あおい です！

there was an earthquake of 5.8 today in LA. the epicenter was near chino hills/san bernardino area. it was kinda funny. i was having a dream and as i was about to wake up, with the last bit of my dream in my head, the whole room was shaking. i thought it was kinda hilarious how after my dream ended there was an earthquake. for some reason, i’m kinda excited that there was an earthquake. now that something interesting has happened over the summer and when school starts, we can all say, “Remember the earthquake during the summer…?” well, i think everybody needed that little “jolt”. well. there really isn’t much to say now cause yea. nothing really happened after that…although i was glad that nothing happened in san francisco. truthfully, i was worried that the earthquake would somehow destroy san fran and its beauty…(i’m really odd, huh?)

hmm. lets see. i want to do something fun. what is there to do for fun? really nothing, i guess. well, imma try and go paint a picture. my eyes are so sore, they feel heavy. oh! it’d be awesome to be a documentary photographer!
WALKER EVANS

wow. it seems as if it’s been forever since i’ve posted. i just suddenly felt like posting about something random. i guess i’ll just ramble on about nothing.

[oh. a random thing: you know. i love MOZILLA FIREFOX cause it automatically helps me correct misspelled words. it's so convenient \(>.<)/]

okay so other than that…there’s really not much going on right now cause it’s summer. i just feel really trapped in my house thats all. what i really wanna do is create something. do something that stimulates my mind (-_-) but unfortunately, there’s nothing going on…therefore, my mind is not stimulated. man. i gotta do WHAT I WANT before i feel like imma do something extreme because i feel so limited in a conservative environment…maybe i could threaten my parents to let me to go art high school by telling them that if, “If you don’t let me go, i feel like i will start taking drugs!” what i hate the most is to only think, but not take any action. my parents said that i should think about my future. but i’m pretty sure i’ve thought of everything throughly. the only thing is that i can’t do what i think (that sounded very awkward…grammar-wise). i mean i understand that they want knowledge and skill balanced. however, i feel as if i have more knowledge (of things that aren’t related to art…academic things) MORE THAN the skills i need for art.

wow. i don’t think i understand what i’m posting either. oh well. w/e. at least i got to rant out what’s on my mind. and by the way. i need to remind myself not to eat too much cold things…it hurts my stomach o(>.<)o

blah. i can’t do anything!!!

oh. i can’t wait until [RAINBOWS]- アリス九號 comes out. i love them so much! 虎 is sexy. he’s so sweet. i love his personality. even though he seems like a “cool-guy”, inside is actually a really nice and sincere guy o(>.<)o

A~nd recently. i’ve been really hooked on “Shut Up and Let Me Go” [The Tings Tings] and “Disturbia” [Rihanna]. and i get my daily dose of Radiohead. (ー＿－) they make me happy. i sill wanna see a therapist cause i feel like i need someone to talk to. i don’t really talk personally with my family or friends cause i don’t want to cause a whole-lot of “drama” “/

i always ask myself. what is it that i really want…

the answers is fucking obvious…ART or become a famous artist or something. but i don’t know. i know what i want, but do i really want it? the pressure is annoying. going into the art industry means competing against other amazing, talented, and creative artists. i really want it, but reality isn’t that easy. the road to reaching my goal is long and filled with shit. i kinda want to major something in like the design/illustration industry. being a stylist is kinda cool. illustration is bomb. but. the only problem is…do i have enough confidence and determination? determination…sure. confidence…not so much. i never had much confidence. i don’t know what. my fucking self-esteem is low. my fucking “EQ” is low…therefore my “IQ” is low too…

man. life is shit. but i love shit.

タケル は とても 可愛い ですねえ？！

i don’t think i’ve posted for at least two months…more or less. but for some reason, i have the urge to post at 2 am. it’s strange. but now that i’m actually posting, i don’t really know what to write about…i just feel pretty angst-y right now. and what sucks is that i didn’t cut for a while now. however, due to some rough times and threats, i’ve started cutting. oh, and guess what? i’ve graduated from amateur cuts to big, fat and JUICY ones. wh00t for me.

it’s summer time now. i was reluctant to return to LA after spending two fuckin fun weeks in hot humid Taiwan. [boy, am i full of adjectives right now?!] i didn’t want to return because i don’t want to live my dull retarded life. during my stay in Taiwan, i felt like a different person. i was paid a lot attention…something that never happened before living in America. i miss all that attention. and speaking of attention, i think the reason why i cut myself is because i’m attention-starved. and also cause of self-pity. it’s funny, i have a lot of self-pity. that totally affects my self-esteem and my outlook on life and other “shiz” [<-- lmao!] and recently, i’m in a down because i feel like all my passion and inspiration has been drained. i even wanted to skip art class.

that brings me to another matter. me not wanting to go to art class is a big problem. i’ve never felt like that before and it scared the shit out of me. without art, i have nothing to prove. without art, i am nothing [as corny as that sounds]. it’s true, without art, i feel like i’m just another person in the crowd. without art, i don’t have anything to fuckin turn to. that scares me. i’ve set my mind on art school for a while now and if i change my mind suddenly, i feel like i’m just running away or like…i dunno, i don’t know. and like, if i don’t have art, i feel like i’m just wondering around without a goal in life. that is what scares me the most.

and finally, i really hate myself because i’m so envious of other people. i’m so jealous that they have so many friends that think about them and they’re always having fun. furthermore, i hate the fact that i don’t have any important friends. and i hate myself for wanting attention and blah. i just want somebody– let it be a boyfriend or friend– that would pay attention to me. hah. that’s so fuckin pathetic.

okay. so it’s been a while…a long while you might say. but whatever. a lot has actually happened while i wasn’t posting. i was kinda lazy about blogging because the process took a long time to make my posts look cool…however, that isn’t the case. i haven’t been posting cause i was actually busy. there are only about three fuckin’ weeks of shcool left. i should be happy about that, but no, i’m not. infact, i’m really frustrated that summer’s comming and i’m running out of time to get my grades up. aside from that little obstacle, i can’t wait until summer comes. it’s like omg. it’s summer…and bam! but unfortunately, there are many things in my way of having an awesome summer…like the fact that i need to pay a fine of $80 because i lost my GEOMETRY and JAPANESE book…(which totally sucks!). the main problems are my math and history grades. grr. those grades totally suck. i can’t believe it! my geo. grade sucks because math is a challenge  (sad to say) to me. history…now, in that class, i have a low, low, low “EQ”. (EQ is like your IQ…except is measures your emotions.) it’s bad having a low EQ because if your emotions are like messed up, then you won’t do well…if you don’t do well like in school… your IQ is low. so that totally sucks…which brings me back to the history problem. in that class, my EQ is infact very low. therefore, i don’t have the motivation to do well because i hate the students and environment in that class.

now, speaking about EQ and environments…i believe that where i live isn’t suited for me. at school, i’m very, very, very miserable. i hate school. i hate the people in that school. and all the hate and miserable-ness scares me. i feel if i’m always miserable, i won’t have  the motivation and creativity needed to get into art school. i fear that i might lose my passion for art all because of my goddamn miserable-ness…and why amd i miserable? well, there are many reasons. one for sho’ is the fact is that the people there don’t like me…i swear. if you aren’t normal, you won’t have friends. therefore, i’m not that well-like and shit at school. the second reason is the fact that there isn’t a lot of art-related activites at my high school. people at school are either all about academics or sports…mostly academics. and since i don’t like academics and my interests are unlike what the majority of people at school like…i don’t fit in…therefore i dislike school. thirdly, i dislike my life-style…even though there are people out there that wouldn’t mind living my lifes style because they are in poverty or w/e. i can’t stand my life style because it’s too boring. i am saying all this because i feel like if i don’t get a change of scene…my chances of going to art school will decrease…(did that make sense?)

in the end…i think all my problems are connected to art…

but that’s not all to this particular post. i have an inferiority complex. i feel inferior to others…even though it hurts my pride saying that…i can’t hold it in anymore. furthermore…i feel lonely. no one wants to get to know me. no one thinks i’m important enough. i don’t even know if i have friends…they’re just people that i’m acquainted with. and it totally sucks that no body really cared to say happy birthday to me because my birthday is during spring break. (they can at least say it after break.) i’m nice to people…but i hate the fact that i’m starting to be a cold and uncaring person because i’m lonely. i really hate that about myself. infact i hate myself. i hate that i’m lonely, i hate the i have no confidence, i hate the fact that i keep on thinking i’m ugly…i hate the fact that i don’t think i can make it into art school…and i hate the fact that i don’t believe in myself. with all this hate, i’m fearing that i will lost sight of what i love the most… and that’s art

sometimes i want to just die…but i keep on telling myself that something good is gonna happen…then again i think that no one would really care if i moved…or if i died…my parents would mind but…whatever…i don’t really care. i want to share all my problems and i just wanna cry…but dude, that’s so unlike me. i don’t think i will ever tell anybody about this. i don’t even wanna try talking to my parents. it’s not like they understand (hah, how cliche…) my mom would say, “that’s how high school is…” and i would think WTF? i’m not talking about high school, i’m talking about me…goddamnit! and my dad would say, “who cares what other people think?” and i would think, that’s the problem! nobody ever gives a crap about me… so see, what’s the point of talking to them? whatever. i’ll just try and be as optimistic as i can…like how i was before…

i hate crying. i hate my life. i hate myself…damn…

wow. i’m dying in j-rock goodies! omg. i’m discovering soo much indie-jrock bands! gahh! i think i just died from happiness…

you know what’s sad? there hasn’t been much happenings involving art recently. everything is kinda on the low right now. i feel as if i’m losing my passion for art…i HOPE that’s NOT true. if it was, i WOULDN’T MIND DYING mind you. and you know what? OMG! there’s only abouy 28 days (about ONE month) until school is over. gah! i can’t belive it! omg. i need to get my grades up! um…other than that, i’m quite excited for summer because well, i don’t know. and speaking of summer, it totally sucks that i don’t have any classes…because of that, i feel like i’m stupid compared to other students (maybe i am…gotta STOP dissing myself). well, i wanted to take photography class, but NOO, my friends had to confuse me about the validity of that course…so in the end, i didn’t sign up because i thought that it wasnt’t offered…and then as it turned out, they did offer that course…UNFORTUNATELY, i was too late! 残念ですねえ！ so my summer is pretty much full of nothing… one of the things i hate the most is having nothing to do. i will feel so sluggish! -sigh- there is so many things i can do over the summer…like go to Taiwan…i really  wanna go to Taiwan…at least for a month! gah! it will be so awesome!

oh and i just noticed: May 11th = I ♥ MOMMY DAY! hmm. i don’t have anything to give her. i feel totally guilty…and a bad daughter. well, i am kinda a bad daughter because, well, there are various reasons. anyways. i totally feel bad not being able to give her anything for mother’s day. that’s the day my mama’s gonna SHINE! hmm. other than that, there’s nothing left to say.

おねがいいします 上さま！